"this makes me feel..."

One of those moments for the history books, not that this kind of history has ever or could ever or even would ever be written, and not quite sure what the title would be.

Pre-read warning: out will come the personal politics.

Today we met with Dinesh (program director) and Nura (administration and everything else) from Creating Possibilities. First off, they are fantastic people. Super friendly, cracking jokes, laughing at our silly sarcasms, showing us around like friends and not tourists. Over a delicious lunch of momos (which google autocorrect wanted me to write monks.....awkward) they shared some cultural traditions (apparently many/most/old-time Hindu women get their nose pierced on the left side because it eclipses some rogue emotions/beain synapses and makes her more docile....though this is up to interpretation and debate), talked a bit of politics, and Nura had all these sincere moments of sassing Dinesh so hard it was hilarious. Also super nice to see such a casual and chillin' working relationship. It is evident that they both love their work and enjoy with whom they work. Not to mention how small and interconnected and dedicated their team is (a total of 4 CPN staff).

[One day I will explain the chaos of crossing streets in Nepal (the one and only rule being don't get hit) and the way the wind picked up the purple blossoms in a blossom storm and finding a Kenyan Airlines sign while wearing my kikoy pants and telling things by candlelight in a lode-shedded room. One day I will explain the yelling and honking and creakily tall buildings and ditches and flags and 100% cashmere, trekking, nepali tea shops, the taste of tea, incense burning softly and fully.]

Andbutso we arrived back at our hotel and sat down for some chiya (Nepali tea), everyone chatting. Nura turns to me and asks "so why did you choose to come to a developing country and volunteer and do these things?"

So I said some things, a bit about Nicaragua, how I'm always up for new experiences, especially when they involve worlds/realities I've not yet encountered, how much I love what I'd done/felt had worked out positively while in Nicaragua. Told her that this came up because of a TA (holla atcha Will) and it sounded like quite the experience. Told her that what CPN does is close to my heart, education and children and girls and women and rights and literacy and self-dependency and effect. Told her that I want to see how it works in Nepal, the difference of textbook and reality, reality to reality.

And she looked at me and said "this makes me feel so much better" because how can anyone "change the world" and think they know more, although this was Nepalese-ly worded (super diplomatically, that is) as "I'm glad you see this as a learning opportunity and experience" because "some people have very different attitudes".

Aiya.

I credited my excellent peer influences back home (world unmaking conversations) for sharpening my criticality of these things, that this whole 'volunteering' business (in all the senses of business as business as business) is shifty at the best of times, especially due to states of mind, attitudes, approaches, complexes.

And it is not that I am unaware of the criticisms and where they come from for volunteering abroad/"in the developing world". I am quite constantly surrounded by difficult attitudes and underlying systems of privilege that perpetuate all of the shit ever. But I've never quite fully realized the effects of it until that conversation today, and the relief that saturated Nura's voice when she said she was so glad I was not there thinking I could change the world.

And I am not saying this to toot my own horn (fuck that shit) or get pessimistic but instead just to express how personal and affecting these things really are. By these things I mean something along the lines of the 'white saviour industrial complex'/the development 'industry' perpetuating the idea that you in your rich (white) privilege can more effectively "save the people" then the people themselves/assuming west is best (practice)/"they" vs "us".

There are countless devastating effects of such shit, (people being in a "worse-off" position then "before", aid dependency cycles, vast amounts of ethnocentric stereotyping and perpetuation, support for an industry, a world system built on inequality, injustice, the list goes on): this I know, or at least though I was generally aware of. But seeing the relief on Nura's face knowing that I wasn't there to snooty-kid my way around the 'poor rural people', the 'voiceless women and children', and that I am vastly and intensely invested in learning more on their operations, motivations, tactics and actions....I don't know. I don't even know what it was, except to make every article criticizing the voluntourism industry so very and unfortunately real.

And I'm so glad she asked me and so glad we had that conversation because thus far it feels like no one has challenged it, us, what we are here doing. I wish there was some way to communicate how vitally important it feels to be questioned and to enter into this kind of dialogue, ESPECIALLY because the "change the world" trope gets recycled way too much in this kind of volunteer work. And it was not accusing, not angry, not doubting. Just hesitantly hoping for something else, something different.

Fuck how I wish this dialogue could be had more openly in the volunteer-abroad world. But how could "start a critical and open dialogue on social justice issues cross-culturally and check your goddamn privilege before all else and be open to learning and listening and creating a space for justly funded, worded and manifested action" ever stand up to something like "improve your global citizenship and come help change/save lives"?

I don't know how flashy or attractive you can get the former to be, not when the latter is held too close to the heart of too many overly zealous, under-ly critical and well-but-perhaps-misplaced intentioned people? (aka too much of the institutionalized culture of global citizenship from, in my experience, dangerously and especially North America).

So I'm not sure what all of this is supposed to mean or even if I am expressing myself as clearly as I want to be. Whenever these issues come up around volunteering/development/etcetc, I'm either entirely knee jerk or else too cautious with my words to want to speak up.

I think what I want to say is stop telling me and other volunteers that they are "saving/changing the world". I am certainly not. Not even close. Not even remotely. That is not the attitude or vision I take to what I am doing and that is not what I want to go walking around in. I am no saviour and never ever fucking want to be. "I ain't about that life", one cos accurately say. Nor am I doing anything more or less than anyone else is capable of. And I am hardly a changer of anything--far as I know, I haven't torn down the institutions at work around us, as much as it may be part of my antiestablishmentarianist regime. (I also can't believe I just used that word in a workable sentence).

Perhaps I am just want to travel, experience culture, open dialogue, stay critical, honest, and empathetic in appropriate turn, realize my ability and check my privilege. How I choose to do this, how I manifest this into my life is way different then you or s/he or they or anyone else for that matter.

"Difference and danger are two very separate things."

So...does that make sense? Got any opinion on it? Need to call me out on something? Please leave a comment because this is always a conversation I will get into, especially since I am here now.

Always there is room for improvement. Always there is room for growth, and change.

Always there is room to do something differently.

Go be that difference. Whether it means dedicating your life to it or at least being consciously aware and acting in accordance to it, let the stars shine where they may and suns rise when they must.

You are not static, or glue, or bulletproof. You are not the reason why and you are not the reason why not.

I am battling some massively sleepy eyes nanow, so I will let this be as is and hopefully the sting and ouch and wish-Ida-known will fade, fall away fast.

Oh these mere mortal mornings of ours.

keep going
-Kelly

ps enjoy the vista from our rooftop in Kathmandu