Not easy, not light, trigger warning, I'm going to swear, this is messy and it doesn't always make sense. And please let me know in comments, emails or private messages somehow if there is something here that does not sit well with you, if I've misstepped/overstepped/wrongly defined or defended something, used incorrect/bad language. This comes not from prejudice but from ignorance. I'm in a forever state of learning. I ain't perfect. And I'm angry, so that's always risky business.
Okay.
There's a lot that's been happening that is super connected for me lately. The sexual assaults on UBC Vancouver campus, following issues over rape-y/racist chants, conversations on rape culture, my intense battle with the abyss the other week, comments by professors in class, feminism and the necessity of it, finding fellow readers, running into institutionalized shit, trying not to be mad all the time, being mad all the time, trying to keep the conversation productive, never knowing how.
So there have been a slew of reported sexual assaults that have happened in the last month at UBC, and by a slew I mean 3 (or 4, depending on what you want to count as reported legitimately), and by reported sexual assaults, I mean these have occurred in a frightening kind of pattern not typical of most sexual assaults but typical of some of the myths of sexual assault, i.e. stranger, walking alone at night, dark/unlit area somewhere. Which has of course produced an outcry/response from the UBC community. The RCMP are saying 'don't walk home alone at night, we will ramp up security, etc and catch this guy', UBC admin are talking different safety measures, Safewalk is increasing their hours, etc. If you're at/in/near/involved with UBC, you probably have heard/know this.
And I'm angry. Angry because it happened. Because it is happening. Because although it was not explicitly "She drank X amount" "she was wearing X clothes""SHE WAS WALKING ALONE AT NIGHT", these are often reported as near-justifications, or at least reasons to feel less shocked/concerned about assault/sexual violence. But that's...fucked.
These are nothing but bullsheeeeeet and all the more reason to rise.
But I'm also angry because this is a piece of a much larger, much nastier, much more difficult to pin down or pick up kind of pie. And apologies for calling this a pie, because pie is tasty and delicious and this is fucking not.
Yes, it is a good action to increase security and surveillance. And yes, it is fine to advise people don't walk alone at night when there are such security threats. And yes, it is highly recommended to take personal precautions as you see fit. Do you hear me? I am negating none of this.
But.
But safety precautions are not dismantling a society where "80% of assailants are friends and family of the victim".
"Of every 100 incidents of sexual assault, only 6 are reported to the police."
"1-2% of 'date rape' sexual assaults are reported to the police."
"1 in 4 North American women will be sexually assaulted during their lifetime."
(http://sexassault.ca/statistics.htm)
THIS SHIT HAS NOT STOPPED.
IT DOES NOT STOP.
IT NEVER FUCKING STOPS.
The abuse goes on everywhere, in every possible fashion, to literally ANYONE.
AND just so you know: the only person to blame, the only one whose fault it is, in any instance of sexual assault/abuse/rape, is the PERPETRATOR. THE ONE WHO COMMITTED THE ABUSE/ASSAULT/RAPE.
that's fucking it. (unless you wanna get meta about it and also blame the patriarchal structures and systems of discrimination/inequality/privilege that perpetuate ridiculous standards of masculinity, normalize sexual violence, and send out impossibly fucked messages on consent, etc)
not the person who was assaulted/abused/raped.
ever.
do you hear me?
if you have survived something like this, it's not your fault.
it's not your fault. it's not your fault. it's not your fault.
and there is help (start here: http://www.gotconsent.ca)
And you would totally think that the perpetrator being the criminal was an obvious thing.
But it's not.
And that is why you may have heard 'rape culture' tossed in conversation. Because that's what this is, in addition to rape culture being so many other things (TW), and all of it makes me mad.
And there have been comments and conversations that have shown up the last few days (doubtless that have been going on for a long time, but still), and they looked like this, especially the part where men say "but mostly we're good guys and xyz this should be about equality and don't blame an entire gender for the actions of a few".
Granted, generalizations are shitty and not productive and shouldn't be pasted over everyone.
However,
HOWEVER
There is a lot to be said for the different ways in which privilege and patriarchy work together. And sometimes we all have to take a hit on these privileges and realize our position. As in, like, shut up and sit down and LISTEN to what is being said (make sure to shut up before you sit down because sometimes people take a long ass time trying to find their seat). Remove the ego and try not to feel personally attacked about it. Also known as "checking your privilege", it does no one any good when all one hears are accusations and not the issues being raised with much deeper and more systemic issues that AFFECT US ALL.
Patriarchy isn't this thing created so men get off totally free and don't have anything to worry about and lalala their lives are perfect and women get shit on. Nah (well, women/members elsewhere on the gender spectrum do get shit on, but it's not because men aren't affected). This honestly affects everyone, from standards of beauty to rigid gender binaries and gender roles to really shitty ideals of masculinity and femininity (this is what feminism is about, for me, but more on this later),etc. But at the same time, there are different degrees to which everyone is affected. Arguably (cisgendered) men inherit certain privileges from this system that they don't often realize, because hey, that's how systemic things work.
So when privileges are called out or challenged, it hurts. And it is shocking. And it is uncomfortable. And one is all like "well what the fuck am I supposed to do about this?" This being the awareness of privileges, and there are many, and some have evident names, and some not so much. This being the realization that there are things at play that are above and beyond what you thought you could control.
This being the ugly little fact of life that inequalities exist.
This being the ugly little fact of life that inequalities exist.
Our society(ies) is built on them.
Our lives are not this comfortable and cushy and filled with cheap garments and snazzy devices and fast cars because this world is just.
Because this world is fair or equal.
And it's like that moment when you realize that....when you look at what is built around you, what you have, what level of comfort and wealth you live in, and you go-- fuck. Someone had to pay for all this, and does pay every day. And you know it's not you. And yet, what do you do about it? What *can* you do about it?
I don't know.
I'm dealing with that every day of my life, how to do something about this. Educating oneself is a pretty logical step (love this blog, it's got so much on it.)
Which is maybe why I'm drawn to study political science, to study gender, race, sexuality and social justice. Although I admit a severe lack in indigenous politics/policies/issues, which, as a Canadian, are crucial. I'm working on this.
Because something needs to change, and I want in on that change. Even if my place is just to support. Or listen. Or whatever.
If privilege still isn't making sense, this article/blog/post is really helpful in moving towards understanding: http://www.amptoons.com/blog/files/mcintosh.html It's on white privilege (specially in the US), but has takeaways for all of us and draws interesting parallels to male privilege. And if you're white, all the more so.
Right.
Yeah.
So there's all that that's going on just now and it's something that's like constantly on in my head. I can't turn the feminist off.
And then there have been a few truly WTF moments in class here this/last that just...no.
1) In my class on current issues in the international community, while we are discussing different theories on global political economy, the discussion of gender/feminism arises. To my delight and surprise, there are a few voices talking total sense in terms of what feminism is/does/aims for, the not-enough-ness of current practices/solutions (read: just put more gender analysis into reports, just put more women in power and boom, that means equality, right?). And I'm like, heck yes, I like this, and so I'm all passionate and the few other voices are all passionate and it's like, awwwh yeah, amidst all the neoliberal bull crappy crap-ness of economic what what yadda yadda. So the professor goes, "before in my classes if there were a lot of girls I would always make sure to mention feminism, but no one seemed to be very eager about it. I'm glad we can have this discussion now"
BECAUSE ONLY GIRLS CAN BE FEMINISTS. THANKS FOR "MAKING SURE" TO MENTION IT.
2) Professor in class on social capital, in discussion on trust, gives us a scenario. "If you're a girl and you're walking home on campus at night, [at which point I'm like, wow, this is actually relevant to life situations] and your campus is near Harlem, let's say, and there's a young black man following you, would you run?"
WHAT THE FUCK.
no seriously. I was so stunned. I could not speak. (I should have spoken.) I looked around me. No one seemed rattled. I looked around me. Everyone was white. I looked around me.
3) Discussing the movie "Darwin's Nightmare" in class on social movements and global inequalities. Trying to figure out/dissect/move through the ugliness presented in the film, how global inequalities are reproduced, etc. Girl says, "I think it's just like this. In Europe, our governments care about our people, but in Africa, African governments just don't care about their people."
NO BUT REALLY? WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
4) In class on gender and violence, when asked if we need feminism, the response is generally "no, not any more". Prof: "so then do you think we're all equal?" Most: "well, it's not really necessary, it's just one of many different issues now, look at how equal everyone is now, women can vote, it's not necessary here in the West but 'maybe in other countries that have worse records for women's rights' etcetc" Me: "It's not the same feminism as when it first began, of course not, but still necessary, here as everywhere. Look at the victim blaming in sexual assault reports. Look at the perception of women (and men) in the media. Look at the number of women in power there are not. No but look at how sexism functions every day." Another student (female): oh yeah, *gives example of how sexism still functions re: everyone's mentality/attitude.* Another student (female): *gives example of how sexism still functions re: everyone's mentality/attitude.*Another student (male): *gives example of how sexism still functions re: everyone's mentality/attitude.*Another student (female): *gives example of how sexism still functions re: everyone's mentality/attitude.*Another student (female): *gives example of how sexism still functions re: everyone's mentality/attitude.*
WE'RE ALL EQUAL SO IT'S ACTUALLY OKAY THOUGH LOL
(if you're not sure why this things are problematic, please message me)
X_____x
And then today, after attending a videoconference on social work in Belgium vs Slovenia, I met a most wonderful Slovenian student and we started chatting and then got a coffee and then got dinner and four hours later I walked away from the most satisfying and reassuring conversation yet this week. Because after all that shit, all of it, I was feeling quite like I needed to decompress. Like IS THERE ANYONE ELSE OUT THERE WHO GETS WHY I'M SO MAD/WHY THAT WAS SO RACIST/SEXIST/CLASSIST/etcetcetc? And facebook likes on an angry status of mine can only go so far (though like...thank you for expressing virtual getting-it-ness), I needed some kind of face to face Kelly, listen, I hear ya.
And she was speaking my truths, you know? Like, on all of it, the racist stuff and the sexist stuff and the feminist stuff. On gender and privilege and position and pretentious-ness-ness, politics and how to change and if to change and where to start and why to start, on charities and problematics there, the "mainstream alternative", on apathy and decision makers and generations and reality, on travel and Friday nights and language.
It's just...gosh, after all this, all these feels and frustrations, it's just so affirming to have someone totally get where you are, and know how you feel, and know where this comes from, and speak the same language. It reminds me of the immense value in human connection still to be found in real live conversation.
Because I have people in my life (thank the universe) where we are lucky enough to be reading the same book, somewhere close to the same page (HOLLA AT YOU, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!!!!) , but...you're in Canada. And I'm here.
So it's just really good, I think is what it is, to have discovered that this book we're reading isn't some exclusive check-out from the library. That it's available in all languages and to everyone, really, if you take a chance and look it up.
And I kinda maybe found that here.
Yoh.
And then there are ridiculous moments where I get letters from loves back home and it's beautiful and I want to cry and I get to stretch out luxuriously across my bed (safe, clean, spacious, gratefulgratefulgrateful) and the trees have dropped all their leaves in heady falling colours and that very specific smell of damp leaves on the autumn ground that makes me a child again and jumping in leaf piles and Halloween cookies and candy corn (it's kinda gross, I kinda like it, but not really, but sort of), and blasting music loud and cooking things (MADE TWO RECIPES FROM MY COOKBOOK BOO YA) and my landlord is still reliably great and kind, so there's all this stuff, in all these layers, and at no single point am I so consumed that the little joys in life disappear. That's not how life works, not for me at least.
And I'm not sorry about this all, and I'm not about to apologize because I was (am still) angry.
But I don't think anger is devastating, and I don't think it needs to, or should, be destructive. Although I get the reason why it can be, and why radicals do what they do (mostly). So I want to channel this rage (vagina mother*ckers) into something, and maybe it shall fuel everything I do, and maybe one day I'll recognize this anger is not anger, really, but passion, a passion made of rage and realizing that it's lottery that I'm here and that's not okay that this defines so much.
Because like I've written on before, there is so much not right, so much to fight, so much to dig through and change and shift and move, on so many layers, it's nearly impossible.
But I will not be overwhelmed, and I will not be undone. I will not be beat by that. Stare back all you want, abyss, but I will not be conquered.
I am lit, I am fire, I am life, alive
I will breathe, and I will
keep going
-k
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